‘Tis the Season

By the title of this post, you would think that its Christmas. On the contrary– joy and merry-ness is not in the air. ‘Tis the season of back to school.

Going into my second year in university I felt confident and beyond ready to tackle this year, not only do I know my school like the back of my hand, but I have secured myself two amazing roommates, a good schedule, and am surrounded by incredible friends.

You can imagine my confusion as to when I started feeling in the midst of all these great things, sadness take over once again. It’s been a while since I felt this emptiness inside. And it is nobody’s fault but my own.

Looking back at what my life was when I was growing up, I was the ideal child. Reminiscing those times made me realize that if I were to meet my 10 year old self today, I my 10 year old self would not recognize who I have become.

I got a call from my parents not to long before sitting here writing this post. The 20-or so minute call consisted of my mother detailing how disappointed she is in me. Upon hearing those words, I could feel my heart shatter and my ego and pride take advantage of me.

I know I’ve changed. I know I am not the same 10 year old I once was. I try so hard to not let her go. I try so hard to maintain my 10 year old self regardless of how deep inside she may be. I know I can do better. I know this isn’t me. The stress of school and pressure of being perfect in the academic world and family world have been getting the best of me. (For those who don’t know, school stresses me out in another kind of wicked way). I have expectations not only from my parents but from myself that cause even more stress.

I want to do better. I want to make my parents proud. I want to make myself proud.

I suppose the purpose of this post is to get all my thoughts out into the interweb (i didnt proof read this, i just wanted to get it out of me). Also, I want to say that as contradicting as it will sound coming from me… Don’t let go of the good in your life for something temporary. My pastor Andy Stanley once said something along the lines:

“Don’g give up on a dream of yours for the future for something you want in the moment.”

 

I’ll leave it at that.

xoxo

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